Fear is my own worst enemy.

Most people ask me what is my most debilitating symptom of this disease.

--If you asked me about 6 months ago it would have been losing the feeling in my leg.
--4 months ago it would be my cognitive impairment/seizures
--2 months ago it would have been my speech
--now, I know that the most debilitating symptom is fear.

Fear is by far the one thing that makes me make irrational decisions, keeps me up at night, makes do the "what if" question time and time again.

I just had my most recent MRI last week and it's been challenging to stay positive and not let that fear take hold. All my neurologist had to say was, "Well it's not good news"

That in itself makes it rough. That tiny little phrase made me go into panic mode. I basically cried myself to sleep and just said why do I even try.

I am currently not taking any medication for my MS. I am so afraid about the long-term effects that my doctors and there is a lot of them all in agreement that I am a little far off from needing the medication and the long-term effects do not outweigh the cons of my MS.
Yes, could I wake up tomorrow and never walk again. Absolutely, but do I want to live my life in constant fear of the "what if's:" or do I want to live in fear that this medication which has been proven to increase risk of aggressive cancer come and bite me in the ass in 10 years. Sure some of you may ask I would rather be walking and take that risk. I say, there are mobile aids that help me and if not walking is my worst symptom I am willing to take that chance over having an aggressive form of cancer, plus i'm sure insurance doesn't mind that decision either.

I am frustrated by the constant fear that is instilled in me. My short-term memory is shot, I can't even remember what I did 10 minutes ago let alone what I ate this morning. My long-term memory isn't bad. Right now, but i'm sure that will change with time. My speech is finally back to normal, but my fatigue and right leg weakness is getting worse. I.E. More falls.

Anyway, my focus is being taken away. More later. Maybe I will try video blogs, writing definitely seems to be getting worse and worse.

Best Wishes.