This disease really puts in perspective how controlling I really am. When I know longer have control of whether or not my legs want to work from one day to another, or if it's going to be a good or bad day. I try to take it with flexibility, but some days I just want to scream.
FOR EXAMPLE:
Today I wake up, and I can't hardly walk. My legs feel like jello, and using my walker is being my main mode of transportation for the day. I get up and I try to fix breakfast for Eric and my mind is all over the place.
The words of my physical therapist ring clear today. Use your abdominal muscles, find your center. HA. Yeah, that didn't work. I can't balance long enough to even think about contracting my abdominal muscles before almost falling over. All during this, I am trying to prepare his breakfast before he goes to work, and his lunch so he can eat it at work.
(hint: multi-tasking doesn't work when you can't walk with a brisk pace)
I finally get everything under control in the kitchen long enough to sit down and enjoy breakfast with Eric before he leaves for his 24 hour shift. I then realize, oh shit he's going to be gone for 24 hours. How am I supposed to feed/walk/etc. for the day if I can't even walk. Yep, panic mode sets in. I am alone for the day with major issues. As he leaves I prepare myself that I have to get this done.
I try and I try to not ask for help, yet I still did. Eric had to come home because I was increasingly falling and basically was a ticking time bomb for a disaster. I absolutely hate that. I couldn't even do basic needs when it came down to it.
Do I feel like a failure? Yep, sure do! I will have many failures, and i'm going to need to ask for help as the years go on. Also with my failures, I will have my successes. Today just isn't my day for a success. It's another day in my world, and each day is different. Whether it be a success or failure, I at least know I tried. Hey, at least I didn't end up with a broken rib before I asked for help this time. ;-)
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