Okay, first and foremost don't judge me by my very real post I am about to write. I am not dumb enough to know that there are people out there that are worse off than me, but at the moment it sure doesn't feel that way.
I am tired of being strong. Being the one that stays strong and says you know things will get better. These past couple of days have been heart wrenching to say the least. I want to be strong for my family, and Eric, and my friends that say that I am an inspiration but truth is I just am not there. I don't want to be an inspiration, I don't want to be strong, I just want to be normal. I want to be a normal 25 year old female, that my biggest problem is what career path I should take, or thinking about the future of my life with a future husband or kids. But no, I am thinking about my disabled life. I am thinking about is today going to be the last day I am able to walk. How will I be able to walk down the stairs to my beautiful backyard that I haven't been down in almost a year because I can't. How am I going to make it through the day when Eric works 24 hours. What happens if I fall, and I can't get up and no one is home. What happens if I can't control my incontinence issues.
What happened to my life? I just want it back so bad, that I can't stand it. I don't want to worry about money to pay for an elevator because I may not be able to walk down the stairs one year from now. I don't want to worry about if I will get approved for disability. I want my social life back. I want my bubbly, happy, and extroverted me back.
If anyone knows anything about me, it's that I hate to ask for help. I don't want to seem weak. I don't want people to pity me, but the truth is: I need help. This stupid disease has taken my life away. I just want it back, or even just a piece. I want to be able to go down all the levels of my house, I want to be able to get to my backyard and enjoy our life in Washington State. I want friends that like me for me, and not just hang out with me because I am sick. I want the FDA to get their ass in gear and get that stem cell study approved, so I can do all these things without having to get assistance.
So today is a bad day. I just want to be normal. I don't want to be scared anymore. I just want to be 25.
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